Between being dead and not know when death is, I am terrified of the latter.
I am a recent two-time suicidal, bipolar in teen year, personality disorder and going through depression again. I have lost appetite (going from 170lbs to 125lbs), not motivated beyond working, and constantly wanting to go back to psych ward. But I can’t.
I want you to imagine of a grand and beautiful mansion with no one living inside. The mansion has lights, and lights are on. But the shadows are everywhere. Whether you advance or walk back, you can find shadows clinging with you (that’s how shadow works anyway). That is what chronic depressive order feels like.
I don’t have guns and I don’t intend to kill myself or hurt anyone anymore. I just want to forget what's going on right now, and live in the past. I just want to live like a game character, with the option to restart a checkpoint. I want to be in control.
My mother and my sister care for me all my life (my dad was very angry when I was a kid, now much better after he had treated his cancer). I was bullied and was never quite accepted by people when I was young. I guess I was socially awkward even though I was really just a fat chubby type of a boy. Once you get to know me, I can be very funny, at least I think I am. I have a big heart, like many do. When I have a crush on someone, I would conquer Mount Everest. In a way, giving someone everything I have is to compensate my imperfections by loving the other person. Some say I do not love myself enough.
Perhaps I do not love myself enough. I just want to be loved in return.
I have done therapy many times. I know what I need to do to fight my depression. I know I have to change my mindset. I know how my personality disorder is affecting my relationship with others. But I really just want to be loved.
I make a lot of wrong moves. Every wrong move makes me more sad. But there is no checkpoint in real life. I can't simply restart the game to erase my progress. Every wrong move makes the rest of the game harder to play.
I am a simple guy, with a simple goal. Find someone I like and someone who likes me equally; build a family and have a happy life. Everyone has the potential be the greatest in the society. I just want to be the greatest to my family.
I am 27. I graduated with a degree in Computer Science. I am doing another degree in psychology. I have a career. I am not physically disabled; I can see, I can walk, and I can touch. I am supposed to be grateful to be alive.
Reality sucks. Sometimes I take painkillers and my left over psychotic drugs to alleviate my pain. My therapist called this testing fate. I am testing fate.
I want more. I want to be in control. I am not sure when I will return to psych ward. I feel hollow. My mood alternates between hopeful and hopeless. To be honest, I wish to be dead, but I cannot leave her alone. She cares about me, but not the way I want to, and definitely no longer the way it used to be together.
I write software. I make money by engaging users to use technology. But when I look around, everyone seems occupied with their phone. Human face-to-face conversation is a luxury. Rather than communicate in a written language, we can communicate with some emoji and stickers. Does a smiley emoji really mean "smile" from the sender? Could it just be a "okay, cool, haha" kind of response, another way to say "I am not interested in the conversation; it's dead air."?
Technology is divding us as much as it is uniting us; we are so accessible that we have become inaccessible.
Ironically, instant messenger is the only way I could keep in touch with her. It was the medium in which we reconnected with each other. It was the way we could accompany the other person. But the same techology is making me sad and confused. I feel abandoned and unwanted.
May 31, 2018